It's the Joy of Language!

eat a sad faced puppy (10/28/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:57:38 +0000

Red Eye, the number one show among people I’ve payed to say it’s their number one show.

Rachel, she’s cuter than a Smurf eating a Carebear’s brain.

Jonathan Hoenig, he knows T-bills like I know cheap thrills.

Alison Rosen, if wit were candy she’d be passed around on halloween.

John Roy, if hilarity were marshmallows, I’d roast him over a campfire.

Re-Intros:

Jonathan Hoenig, he knows cash I like know hash.

Alison Rosen, if brains were candy kids would crack her skull open.

John Roy, he’s funnier than a hobo clown forced to eat a sad-faced puppy in order to survive.

Stare at you as you sleep (8/20/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:50:53 +0000

Red Eye, the number one show among people who stare at you as you sleep.

Natalie Del Conte, she’s so cute, on her birthday Raggedy Ann asked for a Natalie Del Conte doll.

Jamie Lissow, if hilarity were a surfboard, I’d wax him before riding.

Re-Intros:

Natalie Del Conte, if beauty were a piano, Billy Joel would bang her at a concert.

Anna David, she’s so hot she’s a stand-in for the Olympic torch.

Jamie Lissow, if comedic genius were an assembly line of gift candy I’d pack his fudge.

eat her at the fair (8/14/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:59:59 +0000

Sandra Smith, she’s as delightful as I am demonic.

Alison Rosen, she knows gossip like I know goiters.

Sherrod Small, if hilarity were hurdles, men would jump him regularly.

Re-Intros:

Sandra Smith, if financial acumen were cotton candy, children would eat her at the fair.

Alison Rosen, if intelligence were a crying baby on a plane, angry passengers would want her to get off.

Sherrod Small, if hilarity were the early bird special at Denny’s, old people would live up to get inside him.

Government Cheese (8/12/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:40:45 +0000

Red Eye, the number one show among people who haven’t had sex with a presidential candidate.

Patti Ann Brown, she’s so cute, dolphins have tattoos of her on their ankles.

Greg Proops, he’s more fun than burning Smurfs with a magnifying glass.

Noel Nikpour, she knows politics like I know polygrip.

Re-Intros:

P.A.B., if brains were hard boiled eggs, I’d chop her up and throw her in a salad.

Greg Proops, if hilarity were a weightlifter his snatch would win the gold medal.

Noel Nikpour, if political expertise were government cheese, poor fat people would eat her.

Enter her and win a prize (8/9/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:32:10 +0000

Ann Coulter, if wit and wisdom were wind chimes, I’d hang her in my backyard.

Elizabeth Wolff, she’s so hot she gives the sun Elizabeth burns.

Jeanine Pirro, she puts the dish in the judicial system.

Re-Intros:

Ann Coulter, if political acumen were a eulogy, I’d do her at a funeral.

Elizabeth Wolff, if beauty were a hammock, I’d tie her between two trees and lay on her all afternoon.

Jeanine Pirro, if judicial brilliance were a contest, I’d enter her and win a prize.

Charm Storms (7/26/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:22:22 +0000

…with guest host Michelle Collins.

Patti Ann Brown, she’s so sweet I got diabetes from introducing her.

Greg Proops, if hilarity were cheap booze I’d pass him around to hobos.

Janice Dean, something tells me there’s a 100% chance of charm storms with this one.

Armpit Noodles (7/22/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:17:08 +0000

Julie Banderas, she’s so hot you can stir fry noodles in her armpit.

Alison Rosen, she’s as clever as I am clueless

Rick Reichmuth, if climate expertise were a cell phone he’d vibrate in my pants.

Re-Intros:

Julie Banderas, if talent were a garage sale I’d fondle her junk in a driveway.

Alison Rosen, she know’s society like I know sclerosis.

Rick Reichmuth, if climate expertise were the dog whisperer, I’d be his bitch.

Once a week with some children (7/19/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:10:52 +0000

Elizabeth Wolfe, if beauty and charm were a barn, animals would enter her all day long.

Amanda Carpenter, if brains were yoga I’d do her in my garden at sunrise.

Sherrod Small, if genius were egg white, I’d beat him until he were stiff.

Michelle Collins, if hilarity were Oktoberfest I’d do her with a bunch of Germans

Re-Intros:

Elizabeth Wolfe, if good looks were karaoke, Japanese businessmen would do her on the weekends.

Amanda Carpenter, if intelligence were a Harley, bearded men would ride her at sunset.

Sherrod Small, if hilarity were a piece of meat, I’d pound him in the kitchen.

Michelle Collins, if comedy were a birthday cake I’d make a point of eating her once a week with some children.

Dentist Chair (7/16/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 04:56:06 +0000

Red Eye, the number one show among people who cut their own hair.

Anna David, if sexiness were an apple, I’d put her on a stick and cover her with caramel.

Kerry Howley, if intelligence were a bass drum, I’d bang her in a parade while children cheered.

John Auten, if political acumen were cement, I’d wait hours for him to get hard.

Re-Intros:

Anna David, so hot you can fry an egg on her butt.

Kerry Howley, if intelligence were a cavity, I’d drill her in a dentist chair wearing gloves and a mask.

John Auten, if political expertise were a fish I’d bone him.

Sack Race (7/11/08)

josephsk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 04:40:25 +0000

Alicia Quarles, she’s so cute that toddlers ask to babysit her.

Mike Baker, if intelligence were a postage stamp I’d lick his backside and then complain about the taste.

Re-Intros:

Alicia Quarles, she’s so hot oysters use her as an aphrodisiac.

Geno Bisconte, if hilarity were a tombstone I’d mount him in a graveyard.

Mike Baker, if intelligence were a race at a picnic, he’d be great in the sack.